After my dad died the craziest feeling that I noticed was the sense of happiness.... NOT because he was gone but because he was no longer in pain... he wasn't laying in bed crying out and suffering. He and I had a conversation the Saturday before he passed away about my future children and how that he promised to be around for them... obviously not physically but spiritually. There is a sense of peace that I have knowing that my dad is looking out for us! Since his funeral I have been hyper aware of my emotions, but the emotions specifically towards the adoption!
So, what have I felt you ask?!
- Fear
- Happiness
- Anger
- Sadness
- Pure Joy
- Excitement
- Disbelief
- Depression
- Doubt
- Ecstatic
- Guilty
- Sad
- Frightened
- Happiness
- Joy
- Confused
- Irritated
- Confidence
- Jealous
- Anxious
- Hopeful
- Excited
- Happy
Each day I feel like at one point or another I feel each of those emotions all due to the adoption process. I have decided that in 2014, every single day I am writing to either our future baby or birth mother. It is a way for me to get down on paper what I am feeling, how it feels to be in this position. How each emotion we feel is raw and real and has a proper meaning behind it.
If I were to walking in to the doctor's office and list out all of the emotions above as ones that I feel on a daily basis, I'm pretty sure I would be locked up for observation. But, I ask you all who are or have ever gone through the adoption process, did you not feel these things on a regular basis?
Adoption is truly the MOST unique situation you will ever walk in your life. There is NO other thing like it. People compare it to pregnancy, but there is no way I could ever think of this as a pregnancy.... or even similar to it. I prepare by myself for our child to come into our lives because I do not physically look like I am with child. Let me tell you though, my child/children are growing deep inside of me - I love them more than anything else in this world already. They are in my heart though, not my womb. So, while some women get to wear the 'bump' have other people notice they are going to have a child, wonder and ask questions about their child I silently hold back tears that want to burst from my eyes. I've gotten pretty good over the last couple of years at being able to "fake" happiness around most people!
Yet, here I am more excited about something that will change our lives... my husband is excited! We walk past the baby's newly painted room where the crib is set up and adorns the bedding we want and we just SMILE! That's OUR baby's room.... That room means more to us that a baby.... it gives us HOPE. Something that was ripped from our hearts when infertility came racing in.
Today as I painted the letters that will adorn baby's room I couldn't help but be more and more excited. From wherever he is I know dad is watching out for me and helping the great man upstairs hand pick his next grandchild... our future son or daughter! We love them already so much - now we just wait to love them in person!
Adoption is the greatest opportunity ever given to us. We feel honored to have been chosen to walk the path of adoption. We are stronger every single day because of the adoption process!!
Until next time - Fill your lives with HOPE!
Annie
PS.... I forgot to tell everyone... I got a NEW job... I never applied for it, it kind of fell into my lap! I'll tell you about it next time!
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