So often the hubs and I find ourselves talking about our baby... We don't know much of anything about the baby that will come into our lives, fill our hearts with great joy and love, and will make us parents. What we do talk about is typically things that we look forward to doing with baby. Or what life is going to be like once baby has arrived. Typically following our conversation we both become really quiet.
In the times that we are quiet we are both deep in thought and prayer. We pray for baby, his/her birth parents their family and friends and anyone who will be blessed by baby before we get to hold him/her for the first time. Faith is what is getting us through all of this.
One day, it WILL be worth it all.
Love & Laughter,
Annie
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
We Knew It Would Be Hard....
We always knew it would be hard to walk the path of adoption, but didn't know HOW hard.
Yesterday we received our first informational sheet on a possible profile showing. Here's the deal though, we had to read through the email (that didn't contain a lot of information, but some) and now we have to make the decision of whether or not to have our profile in the contender's ring. It's hard. EXTREMELY hard.
The hubs and I chatted about it and talked in circles. We prayed about it and then went to bed. Where I proceeded to be up every couple of hours thinking about the situation. Now here I am sitting quietly staring out the windows wondering... thinking... praying. Silently. You just don't know what to do.
We don't want to talk to our families about it. We don't think it is right for our friends to hear about it. This is something that the hubs and I have to deal with together.
Right now... I don't know what we're going to do. You ask, WHY is it so hard? Because of some of the information we received... it's not a cut and go sort of situation. Most of the items on the info sheet sound wonderful, fantastic, perfect actually... but then there is some information that is scary, questionable, provides us with doubt. Now, are they things that if it were a child we were carrying within me we'd be concerned about, absolutely. Would some of the things be even of a question? Nope.
For the protection of this child, I am not going into any detail and that might drive you all crazy, but it is my job as a future mama to protect whomever we bring into our lives and home. For now, we just ask that you pray for this Expectant Mom and all of the families who are being considered for this adoption but most of all, pray for baby. May the life of this child be blessed beyond all measure, may baby feel the love that surrounds them even now in the womb, and most certainly, may this child grow in their life one that is filled with love, joy and happiness. Whether that is in our home or another home. Our prayers today are for this baby!
Love & Laughter,
Annie
Yesterday we received our first informational sheet on a possible profile showing. Here's the deal though, we had to read through the email (that didn't contain a lot of information, but some) and now we have to make the decision of whether or not to have our profile in the contender's ring. It's hard. EXTREMELY hard.
The hubs and I chatted about it and talked in circles. We prayed about it and then went to bed. Where I proceeded to be up every couple of hours thinking about the situation. Now here I am sitting quietly staring out the windows wondering... thinking... praying. Silently. You just don't know what to do.
We don't want to talk to our families about it. We don't think it is right for our friends to hear about it. This is something that the hubs and I have to deal with together.
Right now... I don't know what we're going to do. You ask, WHY is it so hard? Because of some of the information we received... it's not a cut and go sort of situation. Most of the items on the info sheet sound wonderful, fantastic, perfect actually... but then there is some information that is scary, questionable, provides us with doubt. Now, are they things that if it were a child we were carrying within me we'd be concerned about, absolutely. Would some of the things be even of a question? Nope.
For the protection of this child, I am not going into any detail and that might drive you all crazy, but it is my job as a future mama to protect whomever we bring into our lives and home. For now, we just ask that you pray for this Expectant Mom and all of the families who are being considered for this adoption but most of all, pray for baby. May the life of this child be blessed beyond all measure, may baby feel the love that surrounds them even now in the womb, and most certainly, may this child grow in their life one that is filled with love, joy and happiness. Whether that is in our home or another home. Our prayers today are for this baby!
Love & Laughter,
Annie
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Dear Little One...
Yup... 100% true! There are days when I want to throw in a towel and scream. I know though that as difficult this wait is, once baby is in our arms all of this fear, anger, sadness will go away. It's hard to write an update because nothing is happening. People ask us how things are going and we always say the same thing 'we are still waiting'. This wait is the worst. No one can ever understand the feelings that the hubs and I are going through unless you walk this path and walk in our shoes. The fear, the pain and the sadness will all be worth it someday. Until then, I promise we are trying to deal with it but some days we are biter.
So.... why the title of the blog? Because I want to talk directly to our future baby, who we call Little Bean...
Little Bean,
As much as we don't know anything about you right now, we know that we LOVE you! Mommy and Daddy are trying to be patient in waiting to hear about you. We know that the day that we find out you are coming into our life will be the day that our world changes forever. Beaners we love you. We cannot wait to meet you. You will be worth every moment that we have waited for you! Love you little one - Mommy!
Love & Laughter,
Annie
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Back to Work... Back to Reality
Ok, so a couple posts ago I mentioned that I got a new job. (Thanks R!) The job was handed to me on a silver platter. In the beginning of January a dear friend called and asked if I was interested in a teaching position. I hesitated, but in the end said "yes". I thought that it would be a long shot - teaching jobs are 1 in a million in Minnesota.... well to my surprise, after a few times of playing phone tag I got a hold of the Special Ed Director for the district and low and behold she wanted me in for an interview.... the very next morning. DONE.
I went in, met with the director, principal and the case worker for the kiddo that I was being assigned to... the next thing I knew after 10 minutes of talking they offered me the job. Pending a background check (HA! That's in the bag people!)
So, that was that... it all happened in oh 3 days time. My background check took 5 business days, but I was cleared and ready to go. Last Thursday was supposed to be my first day... But with the weather we have been having it CLOSED the school down! So I started on Friday.... Monday and Tuesday the schools were CLOSED. So today, even though I have been under contract for 6 days now will be my 2nd day in the classroom.
I am a High Needs ASD teacher. Right now my caseload is one student who certainly needs the one-on-one attention. It is wonderful! I am loving it already!
But with the weather going to be in the 20's today (This will be a 50 degree swing from yesterday to today!) I am headed back to the classroom.
Nothing much is happening on the adoption front. We are waiting and waiting... and preparing. Whomever it is God has chosen to be our child, we will wait until the ends of our days to bring home. We love you little one, whoever you are!
Stay warm friends!
Annie
I went in, met with the director, principal and the case worker for the kiddo that I was being assigned to... the next thing I knew after 10 minutes of talking they offered me the job. Pending a background check (HA! That's in the bag people!)
So, that was that... it all happened in oh 3 days time. My background check took 5 business days, but I was cleared and ready to go. Last Thursday was supposed to be my first day... But with the weather we have been having it CLOSED the school down! So I started on Friday.... Monday and Tuesday the schools were CLOSED. So today, even though I have been under contract for 6 days now will be my 2nd day in the classroom.
I am a High Needs ASD teacher. Right now my caseload is one student who certainly needs the one-on-one attention. It is wonderful! I am loving it already!
But with the weather going to be in the 20's today (This will be a 50 degree swing from yesterday to today!) I am headed back to the classroom.
Nothing much is happening on the adoption front. We are waiting and waiting... and preparing. Whomever it is God has chosen to be our child, we will wait until the ends of our days to bring home. We love you little one, whoever you are!
Stay warm friends!
Annie
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
The Nursery....
When we moved into the new house, we knew which room was going to become the nursery... We first used it as a dropping ground for any loose boxes that we didn't really had a place for just yet or even ones that we wanted to get out of our sight. Well, it was becoming a disaster zone in that room! With all the events that happened in 2013, we needed something to deliever us a sense of hope and happiness. This room, the way it was, was driving me crazy. The clutter, the mess the UGH!!!! So in December the hubs and I had made the choice to find colors for that room...
A little background is needed... my niece (who is now 6.5 years old!) was a baby when I found a nursery bedding set that I LOVED! So I bought it... it was inexpensive, and I LOVED it! So, I've had it in storage for years and decided to see if we still loved it enough for baby. I pulled it out and sure enough the hubs loved it as much as I did... DONE... CHECK off my list!
So, we were at Sherwin Williams paint store and found a panel of colors that I really liked... brought it home to see if it would even go with the bedding... EACH color was IDENTICAL and matched perfectly to the colors in the bedding. DONE! Another check! Problem though was there were 5 colors. What in the world was I going to do to get all 5 colors up on the wall... WELL...............
We did this....
A little background is needed... my niece (who is now 6.5 years old!) was a baby when I found a nursery bedding set that I LOVED! So I bought it... it was inexpensive, and I LOVED it! So, I've had it in storage for years and decided to see if we still loved it enough for baby. I pulled it out and sure enough the hubs loved it as much as I did... DONE... CHECK off my list!
So, we were at Sherwin Williams paint store and found a panel of colors that I really liked... brought it home to see if it would even go with the bedding... EACH color was IDENTICAL and matched perfectly to the colors in the bedding. DONE! Another check! Problem though was there were 5 colors. What in the world was I going to do to get all 5 colors up on the wall... WELL...............
We did this....
We painted stripes! It was a pain the behind but I LOVE it. It goes perfectly with the bedding! Once we had it painted we put the crib together and 'dressed' it with the bedding.
I couldn't figure out what to do on the other 3 walls though as they were blank white.... UGH! I tried painting them a warm tan color... FAIL - it looked terrible! So, back to white they went. With a fresh coat of white paint we decided to paint random letters in the colors of the stripes.... So we ended up with.....
We obviously need to purchase a few more pieces of furniture, but there isn't a major rush for any of that! I love the way the room has turned out though. It is fun, colorful, unique and almost ready for baby! We will be redoing all of the outlets/switch plates in white, replacing the fan/light and finally adding a dresser/changing table combo, a toy/book shelf/cabinet, a chair and a small table for the lamp etc!
We couldn't be happier with how the room turned out. It is right across from our room and every time we walk past it we both smile, laugh and giggle. We know someday many memories will be made in this room. We will be able to proudly bring baby home to this room!
Happy Tuesday!
Annie
Friday, January 17, 2014
How Adoption Works on Your Heart...
A person's heart goes through so many emotions in a single day. Unless you are truly in-tune with your emotions and almost down to the point of documenting them you wouldn't realize the range of emotions we feel on a daily basis.
After my dad died the craziest feeling that I noticed was the sense of happiness.... NOT because he was gone but because he was no longer in pain... he wasn't laying in bed crying out and suffering. He and I had a conversation the Saturday before he passed away about my future children and how that he promised to be around for them... obviously not physically but spiritually. There is a sense of peace that I have knowing that my dad is looking out for us! Since his funeral I have been hyper aware of my emotions, but the emotions specifically towards the adoption!
So, what have I felt you ask?!
Each day I feel like at one point or another I feel each of those emotions all due to the adoption process. I have decided that in 2014, every single day I am writing to either our future baby or birth mother. It is a way for me to get down on paper what I am feeling, how it feels to be in this position. How each emotion we feel is raw and real and has a proper meaning behind it.
If I were to walking in to the doctor's office and list out all of the emotions above as ones that I feel on a daily basis, I'm pretty sure I would be locked up for observation. But, I ask you all who are or have ever gone through the adoption process, did you not feel these things on a regular basis?
Adoption is truly the MOST unique situation you will ever walk in your life. There is NO other thing like it. People compare it to pregnancy, but there is no way I could ever think of this as a pregnancy.... or even similar to it. I prepare by myself for our child to come into our lives because I do not physically look like I am with child. Let me tell you though, my child/children are growing deep inside of me - I love them more than anything else in this world already. They are in my heart though, not my womb. So, while some women get to wear the 'bump' have other people notice they are going to have a child, wonder and ask questions about their child I silently hold back tears that want to burst from my eyes. I've gotten pretty good over the last couple of years at being able to "fake" happiness around most people!
Yet, here I am more excited about something that will change our lives... my husband is excited! We walk past the baby's newly painted room where the crib is set up and adorns the bedding we want and we just SMILE! That's OUR baby's room.... That room means more to us that a baby.... it gives us HOPE. Something that was ripped from our hearts when infertility came racing in.
Today as I painted the letters that will adorn baby's room I couldn't help but be more and more excited. From wherever he is I know dad is watching out for me and helping the great man upstairs hand pick his next grandchild... our future son or daughter! We love them already so much - now we just wait to love them in person!
Adoption is the greatest opportunity ever given to us. We feel honored to have been chosen to walk the path of adoption. We are stronger every single day because of the adoption process!!
Until next time - Fill your lives with HOPE!
Annie
PS.... I forgot to tell everyone... I got a NEW job... I never applied for it, it kind of fell into my lap! I'll tell you about it next time!
After my dad died the craziest feeling that I noticed was the sense of happiness.... NOT because he was gone but because he was no longer in pain... he wasn't laying in bed crying out and suffering. He and I had a conversation the Saturday before he passed away about my future children and how that he promised to be around for them... obviously not physically but spiritually. There is a sense of peace that I have knowing that my dad is looking out for us! Since his funeral I have been hyper aware of my emotions, but the emotions specifically towards the adoption!
So, what have I felt you ask?!
- Fear
- Happiness
- Anger
- Sadness
- Pure Joy
- Excitement
- Disbelief
- Depression
- Doubt
- Ecstatic
- Guilty
- Sad
- Frightened
- Happiness
- Joy
- Confused
- Irritated
- Confidence
- Jealous
- Anxious
- Hopeful
- Excited
- Happy
Each day I feel like at one point or another I feel each of those emotions all due to the adoption process. I have decided that in 2014, every single day I am writing to either our future baby or birth mother. It is a way for me to get down on paper what I am feeling, how it feels to be in this position. How each emotion we feel is raw and real and has a proper meaning behind it.
If I were to walking in to the doctor's office and list out all of the emotions above as ones that I feel on a daily basis, I'm pretty sure I would be locked up for observation. But, I ask you all who are or have ever gone through the adoption process, did you not feel these things on a regular basis?
Adoption is truly the MOST unique situation you will ever walk in your life. There is NO other thing like it. People compare it to pregnancy, but there is no way I could ever think of this as a pregnancy.... or even similar to it. I prepare by myself for our child to come into our lives because I do not physically look like I am with child. Let me tell you though, my child/children are growing deep inside of me - I love them more than anything else in this world already. They are in my heart though, not my womb. So, while some women get to wear the 'bump' have other people notice they are going to have a child, wonder and ask questions about their child I silently hold back tears that want to burst from my eyes. I've gotten pretty good over the last couple of years at being able to "fake" happiness around most people!
Yet, here I am more excited about something that will change our lives... my husband is excited! We walk past the baby's newly painted room where the crib is set up and adorns the bedding we want and we just SMILE! That's OUR baby's room.... That room means more to us that a baby.... it gives us HOPE. Something that was ripped from our hearts when infertility came racing in.
Today as I painted the letters that will adorn baby's room I couldn't help but be more and more excited. From wherever he is I know dad is watching out for me and helping the great man upstairs hand pick his next grandchild... our future son or daughter! We love them already so much - now we just wait to love them in person!
Adoption is the greatest opportunity ever given to us. We feel honored to have been chosen to walk the path of adoption. We are stronger every single day because of the adoption process!!
Until next time - Fill your lives with HOPE!
Annie
PS.... I forgot to tell everyone... I got a NEW job... I never applied for it, it kind of fell into my lap! I'll tell you about it next time!
Friday, January 3, 2014
New Year... New Something...
Hey Folks,
So the month of December was a tough month in my family's home. On the 12th of December my dad, who was 92, was diagnosed with bladder, liver and lung cancer. Obviously this was a tough blow to all of our world's! We had exactly 13 days left with him.... on Christmas Day at 6:34 pm surrounded by family, being held by my mom, and the hubs holding his hand he took his last breath here on earth!
We celebrated his life on the 29th - with lots of smiles and laughter. It was a fantastic and perfect day to celebrate the man who raised me for 29 years to be an independent, strong, faith-filled woman! New years wasn't spectacular for any of us. The hubs and I spent the night with my mom after putting the siblings on planes for home.
So, now it's the 3rd of January - the last 4 weeks of my life have felt like a blur, but also like I just lived 6 months in those 4 weeks! Now what? Where do we go from here? Well, with the faith that dad is protecting us and loving us from Heaven, I am able to get through each day with smiles and laughter! It's going to be hard for awhile, the hubs and I both are struggling with the grief process... there are times when we close down and go inward, or combust into tears - this is not something that we will "get over" anytime soon. We will be grieving for our loss for a long time. The hardest question to answer is "how are you doing"? How do you think we are doing? We just lost a loved one not even 2 weeks ago. We're not doing ok - but THAT is ok. We are supposed to be like this. We are supposed to grieve. If we don't, we will be in a world of mess later on.
On the night my dad died, I laid in bed and wrote a letter to him... it is amazing knowing that he hears my thoughts and sees my tears! I love you daddy - watch over us - protect us.... and as G promised to you, he will protect the family here! Love you - Miss you!
So the month of December was a tough month in my family's home. On the 12th of December my dad, who was 92, was diagnosed with bladder, liver and lung cancer. Obviously this was a tough blow to all of our world's! We had exactly 13 days left with him.... on Christmas Day at 6:34 pm surrounded by family, being held by my mom, and the hubs holding his hand he took his last breath here on earth!
We celebrated his life on the 29th - with lots of smiles and laughter. It was a fantastic and perfect day to celebrate the man who raised me for 29 years to be an independent, strong, faith-filled woman! New years wasn't spectacular for any of us. The hubs and I spent the night with my mom after putting the siblings on planes for home.
So, now it's the 3rd of January - the last 4 weeks of my life have felt like a blur, but also like I just lived 6 months in those 4 weeks! Now what? Where do we go from here? Well, with the faith that dad is protecting us and loving us from Heaven, I am able to get through each day with smiles and laughter! It's going to be hard for awhile, the hubs and I both are struggling with the grief process... there are times when we close down and go inward, or combust into tears - this is not something that we will "get over" anytime soon. We will be grieving for our loss for a long time. The hardest question to answer is "how are you doing"? How do you think we are doing? We just lost a loved one not even 2 weeks ago. We're not doing ok - but THAT is ok. We are supposed to be like this. We are supposed to grieve. If we don't, we will be in a world of mess later on.
On the night my dad died, I laid in bed and wrote a letter to him... it is amazing knowing that he hears my thoughts and sees my tears! I love you daddy - watch over us - protect us.... and as G promised to you, he will protect the family here! Love you - Miss you!
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